The Family Tool Box— the blueprint

 by JIM HALBUR

“Hand me those paint buckets, they are going to be the foundation for our house.” “No. Hand me those shingles, they are going to be the foundation.” “Hel-l-l-l-o-o! Did you look at the blueprint?”

Hopefully you never heard this conversation among your building contractors. If you did, you would certainly not be letting them build your house. To build a solid structure that will last, all contractors each receive an identical copy of the blueprint. If the contractors are all on the same page, then things go well, and the structure serves a great purpose and lasts many years.

To build a strong family there should also be a blueprint so all in the family are on the same page: They can build from the same plan. To create a blueprint that will guide you in building a strong family you need to ask each other, “What does family look like to you?”

When Greg and Sarah’s relationship began, they went to their pastor and took an inventory of their likes and dislikes and how each viewed their future plans for the family. They considered, among other things, finances, raising children, roles in the family, past family structure, personal goals and goals as a family. How Greg and Sarah were raised, other life experiences and how they each felt about that would also play into their blueprint. Following an inventory, they realized their ideas for their blueprint were similar. So they went on with their plans to get married and build their family. Had their ideas been vastly different, they would have made the necessary modifications, since they knew they wanted to be married no matter what: They had a deep love connection.

Lucky to have similar ideas, they began their planning. For Greg and Sarah, the blueprint for their family included kids. And to be involved in their kid’ s lives. One building block for this was to sacrifice monetarily. Greg and Sarah agreed that when the kids were young, Sarah would not work full time so she could help build structure into the kids’ life. Because they wanted their kids to graduate from high school, this included volunteering at their school and making sure they completed their homework. The blueprint included encouraging the kids to be involved in extracurricular activities such as sports, camps and events for spiritual growth. Because it was on the blueprint for Sarah to go back into the workforce when the kids were older, she worked on getting her master’s degree in social work while the kids were young. Without a blueprint, families may have less structure, making their family life less enjoyable.

Another building block was to have a safe place for their kids to express themselves, kind of like an open forum for discussion. Their kids know they can talk about any topic with their parents. Greg and Sarah did not want to abandon their kids to making poor choices that would bring them harm or build them into someone they did not want to be. Yes, there’ s a safe place on the blueprint.
The blueprint also included a specific time to go to a cabin up north with extended family. Greg and Sarah’s family is racially mixed, and they believe that maintaining family relationships outside the nuclear family helps their children understand their heritage.

After some time in their relationship, Greg and Sarah thought it was time to remodel a few things. So they met with a counselor and looked over their blueprint. They made several adjustments. They realized that the busyness of life caused them to put their time into others and their kids and not into each other. The space for their intimate relationship that was on the blueprint earlier was getting passed over. This was the need to spend time together every month without the kids, that is, they needed to continue to date. This strengthened the whole family as they noticed that the kids’ behavior was more manageable because the kids realized that, with their parents in a good healthy relationship, they were in a stable environment.

The next tool is a level.

Jim Halbur is the pastor at Fountain of Life Gospel Church.