BY ED FELIEN
All right, I admit it, I have a crush on Polly Mann. My wife doesn’t mind. She likes Polly. [For those of you who don’t know Polly, she started Women Against Military Madness—WAMM—with Mary Hamilton 34 years ago. She writes almost monthly for us. She’s 96 and drop dead gorgeous.] At my annual Mayday chili brunch last Sunday, Polly said she didn’t approve of my new look. I’ve grown a beard. She said I looked like a Wild West Prospector. We had a lunch date planned for Thursday, so Thursday morning I went to see my barber, Bob Ohnstad, at Bob’s Barber Shop.
There’s been a barber shop at 5013 34th Ave. S. for 88 years. Ben Oleson ran it for 50 years, from 1929 to 1979. Bob has run the shop since 1990. He’s semi-retired. He only works one day a week, Thursdays, and his daughter Kristin runs the shop full time now. Bob spends most of his time gardening with his wife at a farmhouse on the edge of town in Lanesboro, Minn., probably the prettiest small town in the state. Lanesboro has a charming bike trail on an old abandoned railroad line with gentle rolling hills, wonderful bed and breakfasts and good restaurants.
Bob’s is an old-fashioned barber shop. They don’t sell hair products and lotions. They just do haircuts. There are pictures on the wall of the shop in the ’30s when there were five chairs and five barbers. The chairs are more comfortable today than the crank up chairs of 50 and 75 years ago, but it still has the feel of an old-fashioned barber shop. Business at Bob’s is good, but people don’t get haircuts as much anymore. It used to be every four to six weeks. Now it could be months before the idea comes to a guy that he needs a trim. And now men sometimes go to beauty shops for a haircut. But Bob’s has loyal customers that depend on him and Kristin to keep them looking smart and trimmed. They say, “Nothing Fancy … Just Darn Good Haircuts! We offer all kinds of haircuts, but our specialty is wash-and-wear, easy to care for haircuts that have been popular for decades. We are especially good at finding out what the customer wants and cutting the hair accordingly!”
As a barber, Bob is a national treasure. He’s written seven books and produced six videos on how to cut hair. They’re available at http://www.traditionalhaircutting.com/shop/. One of my old friends gave a testimonial: “This book really does what it promises to do. I’m amazed!”—Joe Brochin.
Bob’s home page has pictures of all the classic haircut styles: http://bobshaircutshop.com/haircuts.html. Of course, it immediately reminds you of the Beatles lyric:
In Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs
Of every head he’s had the pleasure to know
And all the people that come and go
Stop and say hello
Stop by and say hello to Kristin and Bob, get a haircut and look smart. They’re at 5013 34th Ave. S. They’re open Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. and from 8 to 5 on Saturday.
I’Ll Get One Tomorrow
By Ogden Nash
Barber, barber, come and get me;
Hairy torrents irk and fret me.
Hair and hair again appears;
And climbs like ivy round my ears.
Hair across my collar gambols;
Down my neck it wayward ambles.
Ever down it trip it tickles;
Yes, where it trips it tickles.
Barber dear I wish I knew;
Why i do not visit you.
Why I grudge the minutes ten;
In your smiling den.
Why I choose to choke on hair;
Rather than to mount your chair.
Men no busier than I;
Weekly to your office hie.
Men no busier than myself;
Confront the armory on your shelf;
Men no wealthier than me;
Gladly meet your modest fee.
And for a fraction of a dollar;
Keep the jungle off their collar.
I alone am shy and flustered;
Solitary, cowardly custard.
Shaggy as a prize angore;
Overrun with the creeping flora.
Barber, barber, you’re in luck;
The bell has rung, the hour has struck.
Sloth strong, the hair is strong;
I cannot stand it any long.
Barber, barber here I come;
Shake up the odorous bay rum.
Bring on your shears your scythes, your snippers;
Bring on your crisp electric driers.
Employ a dozen extra sweepers;
Bring giant harvesters and reapers.
I warn you a bumper crop;
Waits to overwhelm your shop.
Braber, barber, be verbose;
Be anything but clip me close.
Leave me razored, leave me scissored
Leave me hairless, as a lizard;
Barber, barber, single and scald;
Barber can’t you make me bald?
I will be the happiest of men;
And never think of you again.
Haircut.
By Bernard Shaw
The Barber came to cut my hair,
I told him that it wasn’t fair.
My hair had done him no harm,
Without it I would loose my charm.
The Barber he grinned a silly grin,
Said to cut my hair would be no sin.
That I should face it like a man,
But I’m a coward and away I ran.
Do you like sitting in a Barbers chair,
With him chopping away your lovely hair.
Once my head was full of curls,
Covering my face with twisty twirls.
But then the Barber came my way,
I was a child, I had no say.
Off came my curls one by one,
The Barber seemed to have great fun.
Now I’m old and very grey,
I’m nearly bald, my hairs gone away.
But when I see a Barbers chair,
I feel the loss of my curly hair.
You know I truly rue the day,
When that first Barber came my way.
* * * * * * * *
I sat in the barber’s chair in David Miller’s makeup shop, hours and hours of trial and error. While David poked at me with his crusty brushes, I grew more and more profane. That’s how I started to find
the voice of Freddy.
Robert Englund
* * * * * * *
Who the heck is Donald Trump to fire me? I regret I didn’t tell Donald Trump, ‘You need to fire your barber. I’m sorry. I ain’t feeling you, man. You’re fired! I fire you, Donald Trump.’
Sinbad
Sound like a boring place.