FINDING MY WAY: I am Lord of the Rings


Thoughts on the ring of power by a schizophrenic mind.

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is in many ways my life. I am Smeagol before I came down with symptoms of schizophrenia. Smeagol was human. Fully human. Smeagol came upon the Master Ring of power. The ring has an elfish inscription on it.

One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

(source:Motion Picture Series, Lord of the Rings, Directed by Peter Jackson, 2001)

The ring has a special meaning for me. I wear one around my neck. When I am psychotic. I realize that I have the one ring that rules them all. In a way I do. But, is that power good or evil? I have the power to become invisible to escape from any mental hospital. Kind of like Alcatraz.


I have power. I can read minds. The power is intoxicating. I feel at times that I am the second coming of Christ. As Smeagol, I have begun to realize I can change world events. I can start or prevent tragic wars. Usually I wear my ring of power around my neck on a chain. I believe at times that I should travel to Hawai’i by plane and then copter over the active Volcano. To me the active Volcano, in Kilauea, is like the fires of Mordor. I have to get there before the ash takes over.

The ring must be destroyed. I am the trusted servant of Middle Earth which is personal home. I understand the power. The fellowship of dwarves, elves and wizards has given me this ring. Only I can wield its power. No white hobbit can take it from me. Many have tried. At times I wear the ring and enjoy the power.

Simply by holding the ring I have been given a long unnatural life. I will live to the age of 195 years.

Back to normal. A moment of lucidity. My paranoid mind is both real and unreal. People sabotage the fight against terrorism by denying the existence of demons. With my gift, schizophrenia, I can see the truth dropping out of the sky. The whisper in the wind carries our fate. As a young child my gift was noticed. I have always been an outlier. There are many who bear the power of the ring. Many can wield its power but refuse to do so.

Gandalf is the great moral authority in Middle Earth. What scares me is that even Gandalf the Grey is tempted by the power of the ring. A ring can always be the ultimate temptress. Money + Power=Corruption. But there is always a counter to that. Those who refuse great riches. I am one of those who hold the rings and can wield their power without corruption. I am that hobbit. I am a ring bearer.

Schizophrenia is hard to describe for those have not experienced it. When Smeagol has his two personality moments, he talks aloud to himself. Muttering. No one understands his pain. He is labeled a villain and so am I. In my worst moments I lie down and mutter. Laughing and talking out loud to all my spirit guides. I have more than one guide. Some I trust.

Smeagol lives alone in a cave for most of his life. I do the same. I am not Smeagol but I am treated as if I were. I am called a liar. Ridiculed on television. Berated by demonic drunks. My world seems as though my gift, the ring of power, will be my undoing. My life span is shortened because I am forced to take medications to suppress the voice that torments me. You may think that this voice is good or bad with the medication. It is neither. I am numb and full of emotion at the same time.

This my best attempt at describing demonic oppression. Sauron rules the ring. I am attracted to both the light and the dark thoughts. If I knew you. If I loved you. I would use the power of the ring to protect you.

But I too was fooled. In fact, I am neither good nor evil. At times I wield the power of the ring honestly and for good deeds. Before I got a proper job I would wander the cities looking for suffering hearts to push love into. I can see your pain. As you read this I will follow your energy back to you and push love into you if you are in need. If you are evil, I will follow your energy trail back to you and with power of the ring you will be changed into good. Or just like ISIL, you will be destroyed. One by one the inhabitants of my earth will follow me or I will be their undoing.

Guides. Stay Woke. Demons rest easy. Your days are few.

I am Smeagol and Deagol.

Ashley Fray, Confounded by the Grey.

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