FINDING MY WAY: Patient Zero


I have a chronic mental illness. Schizo-affective disorder. Schizophrenia plus major depression. I am afraid. I am returning to a five-day-a-week work life. There is a problem that worries me. When I am alone, the voices in my head and I have conversations. For me it is great fun or great fury. To others, a woman sitting alone mumbling to herself. To me, I am having quite a bit of fun. I have more than demon voices in my head. I have cool fun people. I tell my spirit friends jokes and then we all laugh. I feel their souls giddy in my smiles and snickers. Sometimes this can go on all day long. I have been observed doing this by other people on only two occasions. The scary part is that I have no control over it after about three hours. Prayerfully, I can make it through an eight-hour workday without doing it even once. The urge to talk aloud to spirits and myself is so great that I may spend my lunch hour alone in my car and catch up with my old friends in my head. We will joke about work, daily events, sex and politics. All the things you are never supposed to discuss at a family dinner or at the workplace are my secret indulgence when talking aloud to myself.

I can see demons. Many people are interested in whether or not demons exist. I can solve that quandary. Demons are as real as the words you are reading. Instead of one eye, I have three eyes. It is through this third eye that I can see spirits. I can see good or evil. I can hear voices tell me the truth if an individual or animal tries to lie to me. It’s true. Animals have spirit voice like humans. Sophie the cat is one of my spirit guides. She has rules. I may be breaking them by talking about her. Rule number 1. “I am not a fluffy toy. Do not pick me up just to hug and stroke my fur.” Rule number 2. “Do not talk to me or about me.” Sophie and I get along pretty well. Mostly I follow her rules. The first time I was hospitalized, it turned into a commitment. I came in of my own free will, however, I could not leave. I had to take the medications the psychiatrist ordered for me. I had no say. I even had to go to court. It’s called Mental Health Court. I was granted a free attorney. I managed to convince the judge that I would follow the orders for a stay of commitment. I went home that day. When I got home I felt miserable. Sophie approached me in the most delicate way. Only cats can walk in that soundless delicate way. I looked into her bright green eyes. Then I heard her voice. She said the following: “I wanted to F**k my fur apart so I went to Cat Hospital. They let me go. Now I take Cat Pills.” All the shame left me. Sophie guided me to relax in bed and to never be ashamed that I had been in the mental hospital and been forced to take medication.

Anything that is living can guide. A lobster told me a very interesting fact that I had considered for at least the better part of a decade. Are any humans born evil? I know humans can become evil. They can be horrifically abused and turn to the dark side as a result. Like Darth Vader from Star Wars. He started out as an innocent slave child named Anakin. After having his mother die in his arms from the cruel conditions of enslavement, he turned to the dark side. He was born good and then as a result of his experiences of pain he turned evil. He was seeking a power higher than an ordinary Jedi Knight. He became evil. A Sith Lord. Back to the matter at hand: The lobster’s soul told me that Adam Lanza was born purely evil. He was not abused or mistreated in any way. He was simply evil. Just a reminder, Adam Lanza is the man who murdered students and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Pennsylvania. Prior to this, I did not know the answer to the question: Is anyone born totally evil? I also now know that lobsters have wisdom. They have souls. Those souls have knowledge and they are concerned about the affairs of human beings.

I have an older sister who taught me about veganism. Right now I am vegan. I do not consume any animal flesh. I occasionally use cow milk on my oatmeal because soy milk is too expensive. But, now that I will be working, I can be vegan 100%. I do not want to eat my spirit guides. My only question is: Do plants have souls?

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